One Month

April 9th: the day that shattered my family's world to pieces.

I can't believe it has been a month since my brother died. Honestly, it is harder now than ever. I have never dealt with anything so final in my life, and I have tried everything in my power to change it, knowing I can't, knowing that I have to go through this life without my brother no matter how much I want him here. It makes me feel powerless. I hate it.

Someone suggested that it may help the healing process if I wrote to E.J. to tell him what has been going on since he has been gone. If I wrote E.J. to tell him what has gone on this past month, it might go something like this:

Every day for one month I have cried.
Every day for one month I have missed you.
Every day for one month I have also been missing a piece of me.
Every day for one month I have asked why.
Every day for one month I have begged you to come back.
Every day for one month I have tossed and turned at night.
Every day for one month I have woke thinking it was all just a dream and coming to the realization every day that it wasn't a nightmare, but my new reality.
Every day for one month I have tried everything in my power to turn back time or to somehow bring you back.
Every day for one month I have looked at your number in my phone, but I still have not got the courage to erase your number.
Every day for one month my mind has been flooded with memories of the amazing, larger than life, person that you are.
Every day for one month I have considered myself one of the lucky ones to have been blessed to have you in my life.
Every day for one month I have felt your love and the love of my Savior comforting me.
Every day for one month I have wondered what work you are doing on the other side because you have never been idle, and I know you wouldn't start now.
Every day for one month I have thought of the day when you can "fish hook" me again after one of your huge, crushing hugs; the day we can share a Diet Pepsi and you can explain this all to me!
But until that day, I will continue missing you. I love you, brother, and I know I have a lot of work to get to where you are, but I am trying every day to be a better person because of you. I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!!!!!!